I have not felt like writing or communicating with Spirits lately. Maybe it is because Christian has left again and I have no idea when I will see him next. Maybe it is because the anniversary of my dad’s death is coming up. Maybe it is because I have been more focused on my new business than anything else. I do not know what is going on with me. I just know I need a break from anything Spiritual.
Since a huge piece of my heart happens to be in the Spirit Realm, this is causing me depression. Not speaking with my son, John, is very difficult for me but I need a break. Besides, all I can think about the last few days is a dream I had the other night.
In the dream I was in the downstairs portion of a house with a bunch of people, one of them being my mother. Everyone except my mother and me, went upstairs to talk to Spirits. I did not go upstairs because my mom was with me. I was afraid of what she would think, what she would say. So I stayed downstairs with her and pretended to not be able to communicate with Spirits.
My mom believes that people can speak with Spirits. What she does not believe is that anyone in our family can do it. Especially not me. That would fall under the category of “being special” in her eyes. I am not permitted to be special.
When everyone came back downstairs in my dream, someone approached me and said, “you did not go upstairs. You are not a psychic medium. We thought you were a psychic medium.”
I replied, “I did not go upstairs. I am not a psychic medium.”
My mother was the reason I hid my abilities all my life. I have been terrified of her since I was a small child. I did my best to conform to her expectations of me so she would be happy at all times. Do not get me wrong, she was not physically abusive; however, abuse does come in other forms. It was because of this that one day when she entered my bedroom when I was playing with my Spirit friend, Melissa, that I became frightened and lied to my mother about what I was doing. I lied to my mother quite a bit, all my life.
I have not had a relationship with my mother in almost three years and I have no regrets about it. The trouble is that I have been having the most bizarre dreams about her. They are basically nightmares where she is very cruel but in most dreams I stand up her. Standing up to her was something I rarely did in this reality. In most of my dreams I do. Except this dream. I did not go upstairs.
No, I have not felt like speaking to Spirits the past few days. Not even my children. I did not go upstairs. – Michelle