Mitchi (Michelle), November 3, 1967

I have been reading a book, which I will probably do a book review on when I am finished, which spoke about how your state of mind and belief systems effect your experience upon death of the physical body. If you believe that hell exists, you will manifest a nightmare upon your crossing until you realize that it is not real and you ask for help. One of the things I love about the Spirit Realm is that when you ask for help you receive it immediately.

Should you cross over with a lot of unresolved anger, your crossing over could be difficult. There are “therapy sessions” for Spirits who have recently returned back to the Spirit Realm who have issues they must deal with. How long this healing will take place is dependent on the individual Spirit, the life they just had and how well they have dealt with their issues.

I often think of my maternal grandfather when I am contemplating this topic. He was very angry during life and very angry after he crossed over. I was very close with my grandfather and he took me everywhere with him. When I was ten years old my grandfather crossed over. I was devastated but being a child who “sees dead people”, I waited for my grandpa to come and contact me.

And I waited….and I waited…and I waited. I was very confused about where my grandfather was and began to fear that there really might be a hell and that was where he was.

Shortly after he crossed over, I was sitting on my bedroom floor playing with my toys when I felt a familiar electrical tingling on my left elbow. Whenever Spirit wants my attention they “touch” me, either on my hand, foot, arm, etc. It often has an electrical quality to it and this time, 42 years ago, the electrical current was very strong. Naturally, I assumed it was my grandpa, desperate to get in touch with me. I immediately put down my dolls and said “grandpa?” then turned around. No one was there, no one in either the Physical or Spirit Realms was standing behind me. I was tense that my nervous system was on overload. I was extremely disappointed but I continued to wait for him.

In 42 years my grandfather has been the only one who has not tried to contact me. Considering the closeness of our relationship, I was very confused for very many years. I began to believe that I was crazy and this was hallucinations.

Upon reaching middle age, it was finally revealed to me why my grandfather never contacted me. I was told that he was extremely angry when he crossed over. He knowingly decided that he did not want to be with our Spirit Family and put himself in a time loop. This time loop continuously repeats the years 1964 (when I was born) until 1975 (when he crossed over). He repeats this time loop because the only person he wants to see is me and I am not yet back in Spirit.

I think after 42 Earth years he may now believe that this time loop is real, that I am still a child. He does not know that I am still on Earth and now a woman in her fifties. He is unaware that three of my four children are in Spirit with him and, therefore, has never met them. His anger has him trapped in a prison.

I have been told that he will remain in this time loop until I cross over. I was told I must go to him after I am back in Spirit and remind him that this time loop is not reality. I must let him know that I am truly back in Spirit now and it is time for him to come out of the time loop. The fact that my grandfather is so angry has caused him to deny himself the beauty and wonders of the Spirit Realm. In essence, he has created his own “hell”.

When I was about 16, my youth pastor gave a sermon about Spirituality and talking to those who have crossed over. He did not know that I was able to do this but his sermon scared me. He said that when you dabble in these things you will be condemned to hell. After youth group was over on that Wednesday night so many decades ago, I went home and threw away all my books, magazines and my study things regarding Spirit communication, astrology, etc. I was so terrified that I shut down my abilities and began ignoring every Spirit that came my way. They eventually did give up. And my depression and self-loathing increased exponentially. I lived a life of severe depression, eating disorders and self-harm. I spent years in and out of psychiatry hospitals after giving up my true self to please others.

My maternal grandmother was my rock when I was a child. She was my shelter in the storm that was my family life. When things got too bad I ran to her. I remember one day climbing over the fence in our backyard and running through other people’s yards to get to my grandma’s house as quickly as possible. I spent the afternoon in the warm glow of her love. This was not the first or last time I did this. She was all I had.

In September of my 17th year, my grandmother crossed over. I showed no emotion and was very stoic. There were two reasons for this. The last time I saw her, she was curled up in a fetal position on a hospital bed, unconscious. I felt that my abuela needed to get out and be free. The other reason was that because I now believed that God would not permit me to use the abilities he/she/it gave me permission to come into this life with, I was very angry. I was angry at having to pretend I was someone else and angry at being cut off from communication with the only person I felt loved me and who was always there for me.

My grandmother popped in last evening for a visit and to bestow her words of wisdom. My grandma is one of the most intelligent beings I know. In this previous life as my grandmother, she spoke Spanish, Italian and English fluently (Spanish being her native language). She was very knowledgeable and read constantly. More importantly, my grandma is unconditional love. Whatever my abuela said, I knew it was correct.

My grandmother wanted to tell me that I needed to forgive. I asked if that meant I had to go back to the way things were. That has always been my family’s definition of forgiveness: be contrite, forget, go back to the way things were and put up with it. My grandmother informed me that this is not what forgiveness is. Forgiveness is for the forgiver and not the person who one needs to forgive. It is so that you can let go of what happened and live in the present moment.

For quite awhile I thought I had this beat. I had gotten into the habit of living in the present moment and was very happy. Last fall when my intense Soul Integration began, that all changed. I was taken back to the past and my anger and depression returned.

My Soul Integration is not as intense as it was from last fall to this past spring. Things are easier now and life is better but I am having trouble returning to the present moment so that I may fully enjoy this break I am receiving. My grandma said this is because I need to forgive. She said it is all over with now and I can let it go.

For most situations, I can understand her advice. The one situation I cannot understand is John crossing over. I told my grandma that it would not be over for me until I cross over and am reunited with my son. My grandmother was also a grieving mother and for much longer than I am going to be. My aunt crossed over when she was only four years old and my grandmother was young. My grandmother did not cross over until she was 76 and lived all those years with her grief. I asked how she managed it. She said it was very difficult but my circumstances are much different from hers. She needed that experience for that length of time (she did not explain why) but my time would be much shorter. She said that I needed to be here now but would be returning home soon and be reunited with my son.

My grandmother explained that I needed to forgive, let it go so that I would not have to incarnate again. This is supposed to be my last incarnation and after these past few lives I am very tired and have no desire to return. If I deal with  and heal from the pain of this life, and my previous lives, I will be much happier when I return home and will not need to return to work things out.

Many people have the misconception that once you are gone, you are gone. There is nothing after this. Or many believe that you only get one chance to get it right and get it done. When you look at the bigger picture, one lifetime (even if it is a long one), is extremely brief. When compared to the Spirit Realm it is but a few weeks. There are many things our Higher Selves want to work on and do in order to expand. Doing it one lifetime is an unreasonable goal and just is not possible. Therefore, it is in our best interests that we deal with the traumas and heal so that we can expand and be our best selves both here and back home in the Spirit Realm. – Michelle