My computer finally bit the dust after 7+ years so I am writing this on my phone. I have never been able to type/text well on my phone (or anything else for that matter), so please excuse any mishaps.
Lately I have been feeling as if I am in a fog and very lost. I am normally very organized, have my to do lists and everything in its place. Now I wander around my house without memory of what it was I was about to do. Do I even think to look at my list? No.
This past week it seems as if my life has come to a screeching halt and I do not know why. John and Christian often tell me it is ok to do nothing. Coming from Christian, this is ironic. He has never been one to let grass grow under his feet. Since the moment he was born he has been in constant motion. Now that he has reached adulthood, he is more relaxed but still active. It upsets him when we watch a movie and I am doing my hand work while we are doing so.
I come from a family where if there is something to be done, it should have been done yesterday. It did not matter if you had someplace to go, were tired or sick, it must be done immediately. Therefore, I have an aversion to having nothing to do and feel much guilt if I am not getting things done.
This past Sunday I began to suffer from a horrible bout of ME/CFS. On Monday I fell asleep at about 1:30 in the afternoon and slept until 11:00 am on Tuesday. I would awaken very briefly to let the dog out or feed him but would fall right back to sleep.
While sleeping I had very strange dreams, mostly involving my past and my relationship with my mother, which was strained. Throughout my life I had very seldom remembered my dreams but over the last couple of months I seem to remember them more frequently. I would not say they were very clear, definitely not lucid, because I could never write them down in a manner which would make any sense.
Also, on Sunday evening my laptop finally became unusable. Usually when I am ill, I will watch videos on my laptop. Not this time and I was not physically capable of doing anything else.
My laptop had gotten to the point where it would just shut off after about 30 minutes. I had to learn to constantly save my work and reboot on a regular basis. Sunday, the keyboard stopped working.
I informed Christian of this and, without my knowledge, he purchased a keyboard for me from Amazon. Now, someone such as myself will automatically look at something which is no longer usable and taking up space in her home and will decide to throw it out. This I did.
When Christian discovered this he told me to retrieve it. First off, I thought, “yuuukkk!” And then I gave him the visual of being able to see only his mother’s feet sticking up from the trashcan. He found this hysterical. You see, I am no longer the 5′ 2″ I once was and the top our trash cans come up to at least my neck. Yes, the laptop fell to the bottom of the bin. With Christian in California and dad at work, we decided to ask if my neighbor would retrieve it for me. He was kind enough to do so and we both deemed the laptop to appear in not too bad of shape.
So, the keyboard arrived this afternoon. I hooked it up, turned on the laptop only to find the screen had shattered.
Thankfully, Christian and I had spent last evening shopping together from across the country. He in California and me in Ohio. The marvels of modern technology! Anyway, he found an Acer Chromebook, which is perfect for me and should be here soon. I am happy with this choice. I have been hearing others say that their 3-6 year old laptops or tablets are dying. My Acer was at least seven years old. Bryce bought Christian an Acer Chromebook when he was about ten or eleven years old. Christian is now nineteen, and although he no longer uses it, his father does. So, I am sticking with Acer.
So, while I await the arrival of my new laptop, I cannot work on my business or watch videos (I do not own or care to own a television ). If I am up to it, tomorrow I might be able to work on my art or get a little cleaning done.
On top of all this, I go out on the front porch this morning to have my coffee and find the overnight rains brought out the slugs who were making a meal of my basil. I turn around and find that my peppermint is sunburned even though I thought I had it in enough shade. I spent the morning taking care of these issues.
I moved the peppermint under shelter and cut it back. I then snipped off all basil leaves which had been made a meal of and especially those which still had a slug on them. I then put crushed eggshells around my basil, which is something that has always worked in defeating slugs. My basil plant looked beautiful again!
I went out back to check the kale. Yes, they started on that too but nowhere near as bad as the basil. I took care of my beloved kale and added more eggshells.
In the afternoon I decided to harvest a salad for my meal. I went out back and picked some kale and lemon thyme. Everything looked beautiful. I went out front and picked nasturtium flowers and leaves and basil. The basil was still looking wonderful.
A couple hours later I decide to relax on the front porch. MASSIVE HOLES IN MY BASIL! I peek under the leaves to find spider mites! Slugs and spider mites? I went to work and removed damaged leaves yet again and whipped up a batch of insecticidal soap.
My basil plant, which 24 hours ago was full and beautiful, is now skinny and scrawny.
These are just examples of the way things have been over the last month and a half to two months. Disorganization, feeling lost scattered thoughts. Just not like me. I am not sure what is going on.
I know I have not meditated in a while. I did meditate for thirty minutes today and may do more later tonight.
I also know that empty nest syndrome has been having a huge effect on me. I am unsure if mothers who have not recently had a child cross over have this difficult of a time. Maybe they do. It became worse after Christian informed he is going straight from California to Finland, where he will attend school and seek employment. The husband of my good friend who lives in town is a psychologist. I asked if he has any advice on empty nest syndrome as I am feeling quite useless.
I have been making clothes and such for my “great niece” who is due to be born on August 16th. Christian has also informed me he is out of lip balm. Since I started making my own for my business, he will use nothing else. He said I should call it “Better Than Burt’s”; however, I do not think Burt would appreciate it. This gave me the idea to send him a care package. I figure making things for the baby and putting together a care package will help me feel less useless. I will be sending his lip balm, a jar of my homemade strawberry jam, homemade strawberry muffins and licorice root for his girlfriend (she is missing my licorice tea).
Maybe there is a lesson here. It is ok to do nothing, so just relax. Or is it acceptance of who and what I am and my future resting? A purging maybe? I just don’t know. – Michelle