All my life seems to be filled with one ailment or another, one prison or another.
I was born with a dislocated hip, which I was lucky enough that it was found early and fixed. A few years later, however, I began to suffer from severe depression at the age of seven. Mental illness has been a major part of my life until I was in my mid-forties. A couple years after getting the mental illness under control I began to suffer from Myaelgic Encephalmyaelitis/Chronic Fatigue Syndrome.
I was born into a strict family where being yourself and living your own life was not permitted. I have felt trapped all my life. I have spent my life trying to break free of prison. There were many times I escaped the clutches of my family only to be sucked back in by one major event or tragedy or another.
A few months ago an on-line friend who has the same illness as I told me about CoQ10, which changed her life. She now has a life and has even traveled abroad. I decided to give it a try and also added L-Carnitine at the advice of another friend.
I had three weeks of amazing health and for the first time in quite a few years, I felt my age. I felt I had the body of a 52 year old instead of a 92 year old. Silly, gullible, naive me fell for the tricks and the lies yet again. This time it was my health lying to me. Usually it is another person lying and playing mind games with me (either in form or in Spirit). Two weeks ago I became ill again and have not been well ever since. Needless to say, the disappointment has caused my depression to return with a vengeance.
Through my study of Spirituality I have learned that we sign up for certain events before coming into this life. On the other hand, I learned that we have free will and can change our mind about these events. I have heard teachers, such as Matt Kahn, say you can cancel any and all contracts you ever made through out history. I have seen my mentor channel Source, who said the same and that you can tell Your Higher Self to F*** Off.
I have done these things and have done them adamantly, but to no avail. I have done the things that Spirituality teaches to improve one’s life, again to no avail. Apparently, every time I accomplish one item there is yet another hoop to jump through. If according to Spiritual teachers, there are no other loops, my Higher Self and my son will create one.
I have a terrible habit of creating stories and delusions in my head for myself and others to make my life appear better than it is. I am not saying that I am not a medium, because I am. I have always been one since I was born but this is something that is not fun. I am through living a life of illusion and I will explain, for those who are unaware, what it is like to “live” with a chronic illness.
First of all, there is no living when you have a chronic illness. Sure, there are times when you have a remission. You get your hopes up only to have them dashed when you become ill again. When you have an auto-immune disease, as I do, which is an “invisible illness”, people do not take your illness seriously.
Having a chronic illness is very isolating and lonely. It is especially so for those of us who are single and live alone. It is even more so when you have had to be on disability for years and can not afford a car. Even when I am in remission I am trapped in my home because I have no transportation.
Out of four pregnancies I have one surviving child. I had two babies cross over during two different pregnancies 20 and 21 years ago. My oldest child crossed over at the age of 26 years old on Mother’s Day of 2014. My youngest child is now an adult and has the wonder lust his older brother had. He is constantly traveling and is rarely ever around. I have one friend who lives town. Every one in my life has spouses, children and grandchildren. They are busy with their lives.
There is only one person in my life who ever thinks to call or text me just to see how I am feeling and if I need anything. When she is out of town she will leave her truck with me on the off chance that I might be well enough to get out of the house. She left her truck with me this week. I did do some errands only to end up bed bound yesterday and today. Even when I am not well, I will do errands when I have her truck because I do not know when the next time will be that I can get to the store.
The problem with an illness such as mine is that there is no cure and there is no treatment. In fact, they know very little about it. Many people say that the good news is that it is not terminal. But is this good news? There are those who have had this illness for as little as 18 months and those who have had it all their lives. There really is no end time for this illness. It took a few years for the medical professionals to figure out what was wrong with me. I began to suspect something was not right when I was approximately 46 years old. I thought maybe I had some type of virus that would soon go away but it has progressed over the years.
My life is very isolated and lonely. I do not live….I merely exist. I sit here and wonder what is the point. I am taking up space that a much more useful person could be utilizing.
I give up. I am raising the white flag and throwing in the towel. – Michelle