Dr. Snuggles, my grief counselor.

Although being a Christian caused me to have to hide my true self, I was very involved in my religion for most of those years. I was raised in the Roman Catholic Church, switched to the United Methodist denomination as an adult and eventually ended up in an Assemblies of God Church. I think this is quite of a smorgasbord of Christianity for one person.

While in the Methodist and AOG churches I was very much involved and spent much of my free time at church. I read the bible at least three times front to back and had numerous bible verses memorized. I was the quintessential “Church Lady”. Okay, maybe not as extreme as Dana Carvey’s version, but I did my best to be a good Christian woman, wife and mother. I have to admit that covering up my abilities was exhausting and someone even reported to my pastor in the AOG church that I was a witch and devil worshiper, although I was not using my abilities then. (Note: not everyone with psychic medium abilities is a witch or devil worshiper.)

There were many times that I questioned aspects of my faith only to receive unsatisfactory answers, even from clergy. As John grew older he became an Atheist and we had many talks and debates about faith. This caused me to question even more because John had some very good and valid points, in my opinion.  I eventually began to attend church less and less. Part of this was due to my chronic illness and the other was my growing unhappiness with the church.

As I began to notice that John’s depression was ever increasing, my worry became intense, and I prayed for him constantly. I prayed the way that we were taught in the Assemblies of God Church, with confidence, determination and authority. These prayers did not work and my son took his life on May 11, 2014.

That is the day my crisis of faith bloomed fully. My anger was intense. In the church I would sit and listen to miracle after miracle. Where was mine? Did our Creator not love my son or me enough? Was I not a good enough Christian?

Then there was the manner in which a couple of my extremely conservative Christian friends handled the news of my son’s crossing over. There was no “I am sorry” or “I am here for you”. It was one bible verse quote after the other. I felt as if my friends could not think or speak for themselves. I began to wonder where the free will came into play.

My biggest issue was the church’s attitude towards homosexuality. My son, John, was gay. Now that he was no longer in the Physical Realm, where was he? According to the church and my fanatical Christian friends, he was in hell. This was unacceptable to me.

Another thing that was unacceptable was the church’s attitude towards psychic abilities. I never could figure out how god could be so cruel as to give someone these gifts and then forbid them to use them. Now, three of my four children were in Spirit and I am not supposed to speak with them? No, not happening.

Because I was not thinking clearly, I had my homosexual Atheist son’s memorial service in the Assemblies of God church I had been attending. Although it was a nice service, I regret it. Firstly, this was just not John’s thing. Secondly, he was grossly misquoted at the end of the service without my permission. I told my friend that after the service I would not be back in the church again.

My anger at god and Christianity grew stronger as the days and months passed. I felt as if I had no faith at all. I did not know what I believed anymore. This was perfectly fine as I no longer wanted to believe. I wanted to KNOW now. I now needed my own rock solid proof and experiences. Sitting and listening to other people’s Spiritual experience and accepting them as my own truth was no longer acceptable.

My faith eventually returned stronger than it had ever been in my life; however, it was much much different. I began to explore different avenues and began using my psychic abilities again. I also began to have my own experiences and receive my own proof. I do not know if I can really put a label on my faith (I really do not care for labels), but if I were pressed to do so, I guess I would say I am more of a Spiritualist than anything. I prefer to leave the door open so as not to limit myself. I want to learn more and be limitless.

Through my training at Hospice Of The Western Reserve, I knew that a crisis of faith after a loss, especially after such a huge loss, was very normal; therefore, I really did not concern myself with it and was actually enjoying a new found freedom.

I eventually became heavily involved with a mother’s grief group on Facebook and ended up becoming an admin. There was one day one of the mothers was terribly upset. She said that people told her she “needed to find god again” in order to heal. My response was that the Creator of the Universe does not need to be found. This is his/her creation so it is not possible for the Creator to get lost in its own creation. Also, Source knows where you are at all times, both physically and emotional. Source knows and understands your pain and is even experiencing it right along with you. Therefore Source cannot lose you either.

We all must realize that when one experiences grief, a crisis of faith is very common. It also is extremely normal and perfectly acceptable. Should you experience this after a major loss, I suggest that you do not concern yourself with it and especially do not feel guilty about it. Simply relax and go with the flow. While grieving, the last thing we need is this added burden and guilt. Listen to your heart and you will go in the right direction. You will find your faith again when you are ready. When you find your faith again, it may be radically different, such as with myself. Or…..you may not “believe” or have faith again. Whatever happens, in the long run it does not matter and you must do what you feel is best for you (not what others feel is best for you). In the end, when it is all said and done, what you believe will have no bearing on your eternal life. – Michelle